Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Todays post - in which I realise I am insane (again)

Ok, I am crazy. Officially. I mean, totally embarrassingly crazy. I feel really weird cos I told someone about my blog, and then totally freaked out like what if someone else actually read it? Like if I know them in real life? I mean, internet is real life and all, with real people, but . . . well, I was going to say you know what I mean, but you probably don't as I am just completely crazy.

It made me wonder what I want from this blog - after the hideous panic that someone might read it (really, what did I expect when I put it up), and then the hideous panic of being totally embarrassed about that, and about expressing that I was worried. To someone who has never met me in real life at all, and has only known me through the internet for about a month. OMG, I am quite embarrassed, and quite possibly certifiable for making such a big deal.

I mean, what are blogs for if not to be read? If I wanted to write things and keep them to myself, I've got plenty of notebooks to write diaries. But I started the blog cos I'd like to talk to other people who have the same interests, be part of the knitting, and dancing community. So why am I so worried in case people read it and recognise who I am, and attribute the thoughts expressed to me?

In real life, I'm very shy. I tend to compartmentalise things as well, keep things seperate in my life. I'll talk to some people about some things, and other people about others. And some things I'll only tell my dog. I find it easier to talk openly on the net, to say what I mean, and not worry about all the things you have to worry about in an immediate, face to face conversation. And I think that's why I got freaked out. People might see things I'd normally keep for someone else. I know, crazy! Why not be open about knitting or dancing or whatever I decide to write about? It's all a part of the lovely mess that is me. And frankly, people I know will eventually find me and recognise me simply by searching certain words and reading the posts. I know this, but some part of my brain decided to ignore this logic and totally freak out. Ugh.

So if you do know me, and you come across this blog, don't laugh too mych, eh? :)

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