It feels like I haven't blogged for ages, but it's only been a week. It's been a bit sucky round here. Something happened that gave me a pretty big blow to my self-esteem - someone was very mean to me, and I cried. That happy self-esteemy post about my belly dance birthday where I said I was happy to be myself? Complete opposite, all in a couple of days, all because of some mean comments, by someone in a bad mood. I tried to ignore them, and not to cry and not to let them get to me, but dammit, they did. Not as much as they were intended to, I think though, but they still got to me.
I had a dance performance on Sunday too. It was interesting trying to get into performance mode feeling like the ugliest, most worthless person in the room. But I got up on the stage, and it actually made me feel better. I was performing a couple of bollywood routines with my friend at a council sponsored multi-cultural event. There were stalls with foods from and information about China, Poland, the Czech republic and a whole lot of other countries, represented by people from those areas who lived locally. I don't know what they thought of two white women dancing bollywood, but we went on and did it anyway.
The audience was a mix of children and adults. Most of the children had their faces painted. It was interesting to look down and see kids with tiger faces running around in front of us! And kids are always a good audience, they're so un-self-conscious, and they dance as well (usually copying the moves enviably well). So that part was helpful. The adults were also smiley and encouraging, which isn't always the case with non-dance crowds. Some of them even started moving in their seats - you know, dancing a little without standing up? They were fantastic! I came off stage feeling like, you know, it doesn't matter if I have a few extra pounds, dancing can still make me feel good.
Of course, that didn't last forever. I'm still feeling a bit depressed, and it's quite an effort to force myself to do things, but I will force myself. This person who was mean to me is not going to make me stop doing what I love - dance or anything else. I may not be the best at what I want to do (I'm not just talking about dance now, more about things in general), and people may not like it, but it's not their life. There are certain things I want to achieve, and I can't let comments like theirs stop me. I may not achieve them in the end, but at least I'll feel good that I tried.
There have been a few people in my life who have told me that I shouldn't even attempt some things because 1: I'm not going to manage it so why bother? and 2: I'll just make a fool of myself and other people will laugh at me.
I lived my life for years trying to live life according to those rules and reasons, and it's only now that I'm nearly 30 that I've realised those reasons are rubbish. They're not reasons that I should use to avoid doing anything. If people laugh at me, they laugh at me. I tried to hide in the shadows all through school and beyond, and you know what, people still laughed at me. There's a growing part of me that just does not care about that sort of person. They're going to laugh no matter what, and they're going to find something about me to laugh at. It's not my job to hide things so that they can't laugh at them. It's not going to make them nicer people, or myself happy. So f*** them. The only part of it that I can influence is that I can do things that make me happy. So I'll just have to make myself keep doing those things. The laughers usually don't have anything in their own lives that make them happy, I've noticed. They don't attempt anything of their own, so they laugh at others. Well, they can laugh, point and stare. I'm me, and I can't change me. I've spent the past week wishing I could, and I'll spend a large part of the next week wishing I could, but I know I can't.
As for the first reason I shouldn't attempt anything - that I'll just fail? Well, I won't know that till I try. I probably will fail. I've failed at a lot of things in my life. But one day, I might succeed.
I think it's more of an attempt to keep the status quo going. If I try to actually do stuff, then things might change and I might not be so available or pliable. Life may not go as these people want for them because I might not be able to facilitate it. Well, that's not my job either. Letting these comments hurt me lets them win in a way. Letting them stop what I'm doing definitely lets them win. I just have to turn it into a battle inside my head, then I'll definitely keep going. :) If only the comments didn't hurt so much in the meantime.